Part 5

Well, to make a long story short, Amicable Amy leaped straight for my two-foot salami, and I ducked, and I weaved, and I blew her house down! I mean, I wish I had ducked and weaved and blown her house down. The truth is I was in the midst of taking a big bite from my salami, and Amicable Amy landed her bite right before I landed my bite, and I was so mad that I swung my salami right at Amicable Amy’s ugly salami-eating head, and just as I swung my salami with all my force and with all my might, a policeman had started to cross the street, and wouldn’t you know it – SHWAAABONGGHH! – my beloved salami landed right in his face. And wouldn’t you know it, Natashinka, it was Friendly Fanny who got a face full of my delicious salami. Friendly Fanny, to say the least, turned out less than pleased.

Well, to make a long story short, my salami got stuck in Friendly Fanny’s mouth of all places, and I was so mad that now everyone but me had had a taste of my sweet salami, and I don’t know what happened to me, but the next thing I knew I had jumped on Friendly Fanny to take my own bite out of my salami. Can you guess what happened next, my dear? Yes, that’s right, and totally by accident, I bit down hard on Friendly Fanny’s little English nose!

Well, to make a long story short, Friendly Fanny took me straight to court. Okay, to be honest, my dear, first, Friendly Fanny handcuffed and dragged me to the holding cell. The holding cell kept me until I was put in another holding cell. Bail was set at twenty dollars, but I only had two dollars, so I stayed in jail and waited for my court case. And now, to make a long story short, I’ve waited in this holding cell for a court case for the past three years plus two days. I keep asking about my salami, and the guard, Truthful Tammy, she tells me they have my salami in their evidence room, but I have smelled the sweet smell of salami on her breath many times now, and I just know that she is taking small bites out of my salami once or sometimes even twice a week! By the time I land in real jail, I’m worried there will be nothing left of my delicious salami. So, to make a long story short, Natashinka, when you come back again, do you think you can bring a small salami? I know you can’t hand it right to me, but maybe if I can just smell it as you eat it near the bars?

They say that maybe finally next month I may see a judge named Kind Karen, Truthful Tammy told me that for sure Kind Karen will let me out on time served, and, by that time, I bet the guards will have eaten my entire salami, and if that happens, maybe they won’t have any evidence to convict me, because I’ve seen Friendly Fanny a few times and her nose has healed, and maybe she didn’t take pictures. In the meantime, I’m just stuck here behind these bars, and all my letters are still going to Mr. Richman’s.

I don’t know when I might be free again to eat my beloved salami, but you can be sure that as soon as I get out, I will head straight to Mr. Richman’s to at least collect my mail and maybe rub my shoulder against the small of his back – just a little. I’m sure once Mr. Richman hears about the troubles I’ve gone through and learns of how I never even got a taste of my salami, he will be happy to turn his back on me! And you know what the Torah says: a little back rub goes a long way!

Oh, Natashinka! Don’t leave just yet! Must you go? Come and visit me again soon? And, please, don’t forget the salami.